The past few days I have been going back in time a lot. Seeing pictures of Erick as a newborn, and videos of milestones we were able to catch on camera. I miss it, I miss his newborn scent I miss the snuggles and the nighttime feedings. I miss him being mine…
As he has gotten older he is a lot more independent and self sufficient, he loves me I know that but he only wants me for snuggles and to carry him, he goes to dad for fun to be tickled and bounced and thrown around. And although I am so happy that he loves his daddy and that they share that bond I get jealous, because I know that as he gets older he will lean towards fun and adventure more and more and those snuggles and need to be held will no longer exist. I know that as time goes his need for me will minimize more and more.
So I find myself yearning for those newborn days, now I understand how some women have children back to back. You love your children so much then they start growing up and being self sufficient and they no longer need you as much and you feel an emptiness.
Don’t get me wrong I am so proud of my son he is such a fast learner and he has overcome a lot at such a young age, and everyday is a reminder that his dad and I are doing a great job raising him. He is such a happy and energetic little boy and his personality is soo strong, his presence is always felt and I love that about him. But still I miss the us time, I miss being home from work and snuggling him. I miss the late night bottle feedings and the skin to skin bonding (he still does this now when he is tired). I miss carrying him and rocking him to sleep. All those things I took for granted at the moment because I was consumed with fears of a first time mom. I always say if I knew then what I know now I would have been more focused on those moments.
Growing up and getting older is inevitable I know I cant stop it and I wouldn’t want to, but a part of me wishes that he can go back to being that 7.5 oz baby.